Beautiful Junkie

This is the letter she writes to her Drug...



Dear Lover:

For many years we were together, side by side or so I thought. I have come to the realization that it was not side by side we walked, but rather me in your dark shadow. I trailed behind you, always wanting to catch up, but I never could. Your true identity eluded me; I could not figure you out until I left you.

Many times I thought you were my only friend. You were there for me in the early morning when I reached for you. You were there throughout the day when I yearned for your sweet presence, and you were the last one to bid me goodnight before I fell into restless sleep. But instead of being my true friend, you held me down without me even knowing it. You kidnapped me from my real life, and my real friends yet had me think that I came willingly and by choice. I thought you were my only friend because you were the only one around. But that was because you didn't allow me to befriend anyone else, and when I did you stood in my way and poisoned my relationships.

For so long I completely misjudged you. I thought you were cool as hell, I thought you loved me, I thought I had found in you what I could never find anywhere else, not even inside myself. You made me hate myself, you made me cry, you made me beg and groan and be sick and be scared. You made me lonely and you made parts of my soul die. Yet, for so long I loved you. Truly, deeply, madly. I searched for you in the middle of the night; going to places most would never dare to go. For you I gave up my family, seeing my mother and hugging my brothers. For you I lied, I schemed and scammed. For you I traded in parts of myself, and gave up things I cherished like dreams and goals. You made me believe you loved me too, with your lies and your promises and your fake sense of peace.

Not many who have loved you so passionately can walk away from you as whole as I have. I am proud of myself for being strong and able and willing to rid my life of your venomous deceit. You never loved me; you were never a faithful friend - always cheating on my innocence with addiction, betrayal and disease. You never gave me what I really needed; peace, honesty and love. You only gave me acceptance and permission to kill myself in your arms.

I look back on our time together and do not regret the experience. Yes, part of me wishes I had never met you. Part of me wishes I had never tasted your kiss or slept naked in your arms. But I did. And I learned an invaluable lesson, which I will never forget. I learned that true love, well-being and balance come from within, not from without. I learned that nobody who says they love me will ever lie to me as much as you lied and pretended. I learned that if you love and respect yourself enough, you can get thru anything.


Sincerely Yours No More,

Me